And I'll find strength in pain

Letters to Dad

I can’t believe how much I miss you sometimes. I think about you everyday, but today I feel like I was hit with a wall of emotion. Your birthday is coming up soon, so that may be why I miss you so intensely lately… 
I watched your video today, and actually cried. I know you never wanted us to cry for you, but I did. I couldn’t control it. I saw the pictures of us when I was a kid, and then the pictures of you with Logan… I couldn’t help it. All I could think about was the fact that you never met Hayden. You will never meet him, or any of your future grandkids. It makes me feel horrible knowing that my future kids will never know you. My heart aches when I think about the fact that you won’t be at my wedding, or Jordanne’s. I hate knowing that I cannot talk to you. That you will never see me accomplish my goals.  
I never thought it would be this hard without you. There is so much I want to tell you. I miss you.
Love,
your tater tot

Letters to Dad

Hey Dad,

Haven’t done one of these in a while. Just know I still think of you all the time. I miss you so much, I can barely stand it some times. It seems recently that you pop into my mind more and more. There have been several times that I’m doing something and something happens that I know you would think is funny, or you would love. I want to pick up my phone to call you. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but I always remember that I can’t do that anymore. 
I’m nearing the end of college. I have great friends, and even a girlfriend. I think you would like her. For once I’m sad that I only have one more year of college. I finally broke out of my shell. I think I’ve become who you once said you remembered me to be. It’s very freeing. 
I am going to be on the board for Proud next year. I’m sad you never got to see me completely out. I can just imagine the conversations you and I would have about it. 
I participated in pride week events. I performed a monologue, and did drag. I know you would have come to both in a heartbeat. I’m trying my best to live a life that would make you proud of me. 
I miss you. All I want is one more chance to see you, to talk to you. 
As always, I’m sorry for how we left things. 
I love you,
Your tater tot. 

Letters to dad

Hey dad,

I really want to talk to you. I thought I was doing okay, but I miss you so much. I am getting my first tattoo tomorrow, it’s for you. It is going to be a stethoscope looped as a cancer ribbon with your colors in it and your name underneath. I know you will be laughing at me, because I’m sure it will be painful. I have been fine telling everyone what I’m getting and what it is for. Then tonight, while lying in bed, I was thinking that I didn’t want your name spelled wrong. I started searching my room for your obituary. The funeral home typed it up and lamented it for us, but I couldn’t find mine. Jordanne, luckily, came upstairs and found hers for me. I try to be strong, but I just started crying.
The funeral home also put together a video for us, filled with pictures of you, with three songs as the background. I watched it for the first time in a while. It always makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I wish I could hear your voice. 
 I finally got your camera back. We had to buy your storage unit, but it was worth it. The picture you told me about is very cool. I wish you could have shown me yourself, but I think I know exactly how the conversation would have gone, and exactly what you would have pointed out. :) 
I love you,
your tater tot. 

Letters to dad

Dad,

I still think about you all of the time. I just wanted you to know I am doing well. I am starting to be happy again. I haven’t found anyone special yet, but you can be sure that they will be up to your standards.
I still have the same goals and dreams. Once I’m done with school I plan on making you proud in the military. Then I plan on making it out to DC. Tanner and I are still planing on having kids together, so you will have even more grandchildren. They will hear stories about you, I just wish they could have some time with you as well.
I am less than 100 days away from going to Australia. I was so upset last  year when I had to cancel my trip because of my knee. Looking back, I am so grateful for the extra time I got to spend with you because of it. 
I’m sorry that we never properly fixed things. I feel so much was left unsaid. We never officially made things right, and that still haunts me today. If I could have one more coherent conversation with you, I’d just want to say I’m sorry for not forgiving you sooner. I’m sorry I shut you out for so long. By the time I had forgiven you, I feel like it was too late. I’m sorry we didn’t fix things when you still knew who I was. 
I miss you so much. I hope you know that I don’t hate you, and I’m sorry for everything.
Love,
your tater tot. 

My Silence

You left me here to cry,
You left me here to die.
You spoke the words so true,
You spoke the words “I hate you”.
Now I’m all alone,
Now I’m full of pain.
A knife clutched in my hand,
the blade close to my skin.
Your words run through my mind.
Tears filling my eyes,
Pain filling my heart.
The radio blasting loud,
So no one can hear,
My silence.

Original Poem by TDL
Written 3-23-05 

Letters to Dad

I wish you could see me now dad. I’m starting to be happy again. After you left I was a wreck. I blamed myself, even though I know I had no control over what happened. I’m sorry I wasn’t by your side. You should know, I’m fully out now. You never got to see me out, and you only knew for a short while, but I’m happier being out. 
I still want to do the military, FBI track. I wish I could have talked to you more about your experiences in the military. I have all these questions about your life that will never be answered. I never got to know you like I should have. I’m sorry I missed my chance.
I love you so much,

-tater tot. 

Letters to Dad

Hey Dad,
 I’ve been think about you a lot recently. Just finished finals and now getting ready for christmas. In the mall today there was a pop culture memorabilia stand. They had everything that you and I would go nuts over! They had screen plays from star wars, AC/DC photos and records. They even had these collectable cards from star wars, wizard of oz, batman, spiderman, you name it.
I bought a few things, and I wanted to buy some for you too. It would have been the perfect gift. When I got home and started looking at them, I could feel you here with me. I can just imagine the hours we could spend reading these cards. The Wizard of Oz ones are amazing! I just wish I could share them with you. It reminds me of when we went to the behind the emerald curtain after Wicked. :)

I know you are looking after me, so I hope your doing well. I love you fasha.
-Your tater tot 

Letters to Dad

I miss you a lot. I’ve been thinking more and more about you lately. It still seems unreal. The other day I picked up my phone to call you, but had to put it back down. I really just want to hear your voice again. I want to hear from you that it is all going to be alright. There is so much I have to say to you. A lot has happened since September 10th. I just hope you are happy where ever you ended up. I hope your faith was enough and took you where you thought you were going. I know you are looking down on me, but it’s not the same. I feel we didn’t have the chance to fix things before you were gone. I still love you though. I want you to know that, and that I forgive you. I miss you so much and I think of you everyday. I love you dad.
Love always,
Tater tot

I’ve always been an inward person. You know I don’t show emotion very easily. So why is it that it’s such a shock that I completely shut down and lock myself away from everyone when the worst possible thing ever happens to me?

So Close

I was so close,
I could see the blade,
I could taste the blood,
I could hear the music,
I could feel the pain.
It was so easy.

I could see my life,
I could taste the fear,
I could hear their words,
I could feel the cold.
It was too easy.

I could see the blackness,
I could taste the dryness,
I could hear the sirens,
I could feel nothing,
I was so close…

Original Poem by TDL (1-6-07) 

I miss you…

So much I want to say,

and it’s killing me.

So much I need to do.

I want to hear your voice,

It’s haunting me.

I want you in my life.

I need to speak my mind,

and it’s hurting me to know you’re not around.

To know that you are gone,

It’s torture now.

A life that’s gone too soon.

I miss you, I need you.

I need to hear your voice.

I miss the thought of calling you.

I miss the very thought of you.

I need you back.

I want to tell you about my life.

I want to hear your stories.

I miss the strange ambitions,

I miss the dreaming about the plans.

I miss your voice, it’s killing me.

You died too soon to save me.

By TDL 

October 31, 2011